ambitionless


It's not my job to create something no one else has but to create things that help to show the world what's inside me. Not that what I have is better than my neighbors or identical to my neighbors but, that it's my own unique take on the world around me. My mind, like many others, is not even close to rigid. I put squiggles where squares belong and Circles where lines belong. For I while I had to teach myself to show the world I thought in a linear way and attempted to mold my internal world to be this way as well. I was very close to transforming into a rigid lifestyle but I was removed. Painfully. I am still learning to use the crookedness of my mind for my work. My imagination tends to run wild most when it isn't supposed to, triggered by a simple sentence or just a simple 3 letter abbreviation. For so long I wondered why I would over think the silly things and leave the important things for the others to figure out. I would come home and tear myself apart for making a simple human error because I thought I was broken and everyone else did things the right way. It took a lot of convincing to make me realize I am not broken and actually quite capable of being great. I realized I could do anything I set my overactive mind to. While coming into this new and wonderful me, I also realized how the world really turned and as an innate positive thinker I was shocked and completely thrown off guard by the intricate design of deception we live in. It's sad and I find myself more part of it everyday.
Take for instance my ambition project, I was super stoked to interview the most ambitious people around me from all different corners of my community. Unfortunately, I did not find the few who "lacked" ambition (from my standards) as interesting and skipped over that crowd. Now I find myself in the in the crowd I decided to skip over. Think about it though, who in your list of friends would you deam as least ambitious? How often do you hang out with them or try to change them into your ambitious lifestyle? We may use words of encouragement, feed them lines like you have to do what you don't want to do in order to do the things you want to do. Well, I have. I used them on myself everyday. Now here I am out of school, out of work, and laying around using my imagination in hopes that someday I will be good enough, or that my words will speak to one person. That's it. I wake up write or think about writing all day, then sleep. (Including mommy duty of course.) Oh boy, the words I would have had for me! I surrounded myself with only those that were as ambitious or more ambitious than me. Now I feel as though I have lost touch with most of the people I considered close friends. (not sisters they are still close) This is not a life I chose but a life that chose me. Some call it a gift, some a curse. I guess it's how deep you take the metaphors. 

Comments

  1. Right on to equitable empowerment! And thank you for liking my poem in Edge Of Humanity. Bowing to you Saschia.

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